Well, it’s time to get off the fence.
I’m officially endorsing Cthulhu for president of the United States in 2016. The decision was simple, really.
Allow me to explain my decision, because I know that what readers really want is not to have artists entertain them, but rather, for every author, actor, director, and other artsy-fartsy type in the universe to lecture them incessantly on their pet political, religious, and cultural issues.
So, here are my top 5 reasons why I’m endorsing Cthulhu for President:
Reason #1: “Why Choose the Lesser Evil?”
Really, has choosing the lesser evil ever worked for America? And when there’s no clear “lesser evil,” the obvious choice has to be the greatest evil, ever. Go big or go home, right?
Reason #2: “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!”
The first time I heard deep ones chanting this at a Cthulhu rally, it just resonated with me, at a deep, primal, I think I’m about to lose control of my bowels level. I mean, how could you hear that and not want to engage in human sacrifice and mate with a nearly immortal amphibious race?
Reason #3: Social Justice
Look, I’m tired of the oligarchs rigging the system and treating the rest of us like we’re chattel. So, I say we make everyone chattel, from the politicians to the middle class to the people on welfare. Let’s just clear the board, level the playing field, and make everyone equally oppressed and disposable. Because remember, to Cthulhu, #nolivesmatter.
Reason #4: Jobs
The fact is, there simply aren’t enough jobs to go around for everyone. Well, Cthulhu (long may he slumber) is the only candidate with a solid and workable jobs platform. “Kill off the excess population,” he says, “and we’ll have jobs for everyone.” Brilliant.
Reason #5: The Wall
Look, whether you want to admit it or not, giant albino penguins are a problem for everyone. They take our jobs, eat our faces off, and they can’t make a decent chimichanga.
But under Cthulhu’s rule, no more giant albino penguins! He has promised us a wall of shoggoths, who will eat the giant penguins as they are crossing the border. A simple, effective solution.
And for those who ask, “But who will pay for the shoggoths?” I say, let the penguins pay, with their lives. Suck it, naysayers.
A Final Plea
Your vote can make a difference!
Sure, once this election is over, we’ll still have the same problems with poverty, income inequality, crippling national debt, a fiat currency on the brink of collapse, and the fact that Firefly is never going to get a revival on Netflix…
…but at least we’ll be united in being crushed under the heel of an utterly evil and absolutely soulless extra-dimensional entity who just wants to bring about the utter destruction of humankind.
Now, who’s with me? Cthulhu 2016!